Stepping into the future

I love growing up...finally feeling like I am actually 24 yrs old. 

I also love the feeling thatI have a man who is completely interested in my life for the person I am.

So total, I have 3 important men in my life now...pictures will come soon.

Currently Listening Lilo & Stitch By Various Artists He Mele No Lilo see related

Let's Play Catchup

Hmmm...let's see....it's been a while...

School is busier than ever, I have my first mouse heart surgery tomorrow.

The whole "find a church" thing is falling flat on its face.  It'd help if Sundays and Wednesdays weren't my busiest days.

Work is going well...I still look forward to going, most of the time.

Got to take a ride in an ambulance (not driving) when I fainted flat on my face in the library on Monday...still no clue as to why.

Living alone now...Amber moved out and I must say I'm not sure I like it all that much.

My puppy turns 1 on Saturday...hard to imagine he's that old.

Still wondering what I am supposed to do about my boyfriend/not boyfriend.  We're taking a month break due to our busy schedules, and I am honestly missing him more than I thought I would. 

Got my first tattoo a while back, pics available if interested.

Down 10 pounds...still working on getting in shape, one other than round.

Would love e-mails from people, if available.  I need to spend some time catching up with everyone.

Adios until then.

Adventuring I will go...

Ha!  Okay...so good times and great laughs ahead...beware.

I thought it would be a good idea to drop by Billings and see my boyfriend last night; he was on duty and I was having one of those "girl" moments where I just wanted a hug and to see someone who will tell me that life gets better than what it is now.  So...I got into town about 11:30 pm and since he has had phone issues lately (busy...not charged...lack of power has made this a very interesting begining...kind of like a long distance relationship) I decided to call dispatch and have him meet me at the PD.  I had been having a rough day, and after talking with him a while I felt like I was over my "I hate not being in control of my life" mood and could go home with a smile on my face.  In fact, I had a goofy smile on my face until I got to the edge of town and felt a wierd pulling on my car...I had been having problems with a slow leak on one of my tires and just knew that I had a flat.  I pulled over onto a side street and tried to call Steve to see if he could help; no luck. I got out of my car and my suspicions were correct...flat as a pancake.

At this time, my goofy grin was gone and the "I hate not being in control of my life" feeling was back, big time.  I seriously sat in my car and cried (have I said lately that I hate being a girl?  There are days I want to throw hormones out the window and let my emotions wash down the drain in the shower.)  Why was this happening now?  How much worse could this day get?  God pulls us to him in the wierdest times...I found myself just praying tears...I couldn't even say anything...just cry.

Well, after that episode, I got my senses back and began to do something useful.  I called my roadside assistance, tried to get the cover off my spare (it was frozen), and be a 24 year-old adult instead of acting like a helpless idiot.  As I was waiting in my car, a trucker came by to offer assistance.  Now, this was not your run of the mill trucker...he was one of those you see in scary movies that take off with women, children, or cute looking goats.  I did NOT want to be in the dark waiting for a tow truck from Marionville (of all places) to show up with this guy.  I informed him I was fine, that I had someone coming, and that he could continue on his way.  In retrospect, if I hadn't been in the middle of the side road, I probably wouldn't have had my flashers on and the guy probably would have just blown on by.  He insisted on staying, so I had to break down and inform dispatch that I had a flat so they could call Steve out there to not only get rid of the trucker, but to see what a silly girl his girlfriend was.  I don't think he stopped smiling the whole time we watched the tow truck driver fix my tire...and I'm pretty sure he got a good chuckle out of it when he was talking to dispatch. 

Well, I made it home, at 2 am...had to be at work at 7am...and I am so glad that I have good partners to work with...because the day went swimmingly.  I am now going to bed...to sleep more than 4 hours this time.  God bless you all, and if you get stuck on the side of the road, just be thankful your boyfriend isn't the cop you have to call and make a fool of yourself in front of.

The Older I Get the Less I Know

As I sit at work tonight, poorly reading a little C.S. Lewis in between the constant thoughts floating around my head, I begin to ponder if I have ever really understood love.  I know love from my Christ (See October 25th's blog) is the source of love in the world.  I understand that God is Love...that it is love that sent God to earth to be wrapped in human flesh for 33 years and see what it's like to be rasied by a mother and a father, loved by a family, encouraged and uplifted by other human beings.  At the same time it was that flesh that was cut when He fell, was bruised when he bumped his knee, felt pain when ridiculed, alone when dejected...no wonder He cried out that God had forsaken Him...imagine the entire weight of the sin poured upon you and your Father has to turn away because He cannot stand sin. 

Do I have love like that...have I been loved like that?  I would have answered "yes" in a heartbeat when I was 16.  I thought I was in love with a boy who would be my one and only.  In fact...I just knew we were going to be married and we'd even named our kids.  It was this time that I began to understand that God doesn't need us...His plans will come to fruit if we come along or not...but He does WANT us.  So, I decided that's what I would tell my love, that I didn't need him in my life, but I wanted him there forever.  He didn't get it; maybe I made him feel insecure, or that I didn't think he was good enough to need.  Either way, we broke up.

So, here I am...5 years past the loss of what I considered my first true love.  Have I had others...yes, I must say that I have played the field quite well, unfortunately.  Have I loved them...I don't know; I said I did.  I am a romantic by nature, so I love being in love.  If I would be whisked away by prince charming, I wouldn't ask any questions about his psyco family or his disgusting hygiene habits until after the wedding and honeymoon.  I guess it's a good thing that prince charming doesn't come knocking at doors very often.  It is also 2 years past the loss of my mother, and I must tell you that it is this loss of love that increases with time, not decreases as with the loss of a stranger. 

Tonight my heart hurts.  Maybe it is the scared feeling of someone who hates not knowing the future...what the people in my life will turn out to be.  Will my remaining parents become senile and I'll have to change their diapers?  Will by sister and her husband truly find peace in themselves and Christ? Will by brothers grow up to be good people, loving their families and finding careers they love to be a part of?  Will my girls, you know who you are, become great wives and even better mothers - loving their children like Mary did?  Will I one day be fortunate to be loved beyond my family...to be loved by a man who can make me understand love; understand what it is like to be so intricately involved in someone's life as to want to share it with them forever, replicate a part of them in my children? If not, then I wish I knew now; I could plan my life better.  If I knew it was not my plan to have a loving husband and a family, then I would pick some career where I could travel all the time and come home to my parents or roommates for the rest of my life.  The Peace Corps, maybe, or the FBI.  I know my family loves me...we say it to each other every time we get off the phone, but to have the love of Genesis...cleaving from that family to be with another...it is that love that I do not understand and have defiantly never had; I am not seeking rebellion - someone my parents disapprove of, although I've been there, but a part of God's love that I hope to share a part in.

New Blog

New topic for blog:  The smell on the way to the Cox North Cafeteria

Today:

dirty kitty-litter with a dash of windex

located in the stairwell beside the pharmacy